One thing I have noticed as a common theme with couples is the anxiety each partner experiences when faced with conflict. The anxiety typically looks like this - one partner is anxious and feels they must solve the problem now, the other partner becomes anxious about the conflict and pulls away. Neither of these responses to anxiety associated with conflict is helpful.
Conflict is scary, I totally get it. It's also scary when your partner shuts down and you don't know whether the relationship will end, if the problem will ever be resolved, if they are mad at you, etc. The answer to this problem is simple - take a break. When I say to take a break, I do not mean to leave the home, go for a walk, turn your phone off, and ignore one another. Breaks should be planned interventions where both partners know what to expect, with the added expectation that the conflict with be revisited when both individuals are no longer emotionally flooded.
First and foremost, let's talk about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is a term introduced by Dr's Julie and John Gottman to identify four common barriers to effective communication and their antidotes. Stonewalling happens when we are emotionally flooded during times of conflict. Stonewalling looks like shutting down, telling our partner we are "done with the conversation", walking away, etc. This is an unhelpful response to conflict because nothing can be worked through if conversations do not happen. Sometimes when we raise an issue with our partner, we use criticism and treat our partner with contempt as opposed to expressing a positive need. This can look like "You never do the dishes, I always do everything around here!" Expressing a positive need sounds like "I am feeling overwhelmed with all of the household chores I need to complete. I need you to do the dishes so the labor is split more evenly". It's no surprise that if we communicate with criticism and contempt, our partner often will respond with defensiveness or stonewalling.
Here is the road map for taking a break in a healthy way, to promote a more beneficial conversation and work through conflict.
To the partner raising the issue:
Express your emotions and state a positive need.
To the partner feeling flooded, defensive, or on the verge of stonewalling:
Ask for a break.
Communicate clearly that you need a break to become regulated.
State the time needed for the break (this should be around 20 minutes, generally. The only reason a break should extend for a longer period of time is due to a planned activity such as needing to leave for work. A break should never exceed 24 hours).
While taking a break, focus on self-soothing which is what the break is intended for. Practice breathing techniques, get some physical activity, utilize mindfulness, etc.
Return to the conversation when you have had the opportunity to self-soothe, at the agreed upon time. If you're still flooded, state the additional amount of time you may need.
Remember - a break is not intended to avoid conflict. It is intended to help the conflict be more productive.
To both partners:
Discuss break taking when regulated. Identify a plan - where each person will go, ways you can regulate, etc.
If your partner asks for a break, allow them the break. Use the time to also focus on self-soothing.
When returning to the conversation, be mindful of the four horsemen and utilize the antidotes to foster a healthy and productive discussion.
Remember - conflict is scary, but your relationship is worth being present, regulated, and able to listen/express your own emotions clearly to your partner.
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